A poem for you!: "I Run"
A reflection on self-worth and what we're running after
In digging through my digital archives recently, I was surprised to see how much of it was poetry. Pages and pages written over the course of about 15 years—all writing that has never seen the light of day.
When I was in high school, I was introduced to slam poetry (also known as spoken word poetry) by my grade 11 English teacher. She got us to watch this video by the slam poet Shane Koyczan, and I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that this video changed my life. I found that it was a different way to express myself: A way for me to take what was running rampant on the inside and giving it a new and safe expression. I started writing, refining, and went on to start a slam poetry club with two other friends at school.
I remember the very first time I shared a poem I wrote. It was senior year, in my creative writing class. My heart pounded in a way it never had before. I felt my throat go dry just as I was about to speak. But as I read, I felt all eyes on me, ears and heart open—and suddenly, I was unafraid. I would go on to share more poems in public, and culminate in a few partner slams that I did was a very good friend as I finished high school.
I found this poem, I Run, among the archives. Metadata for the file tells me that I wrote this in 2018—a unique year for me, to be sure.
I wanted to share this poem for two reasons. The first is that I thought it would be fun to workshop a poem that my younger self wrote and share something a little different with you, a dear reader!
But secondly, and perhaps more profoundly: re-reading the words that I wrote at a certain point of my life, and seeing where God has led me now, has really been a divine encounter.
I’ve always struggled with my self-worth. In the midst of writing this particular poem, I hoped that one day I would be able to feel better about who I am. This poem—a litany of all the ways where I was running after the wrong things—takes a hopeful turn at the end: one where I could stand still and allow myself to receive God’s love.
It took a long time for me to learn and realize that this can only be achieved in God alone.
Today, I still have to actively fend off the lies of the evil one. But I am overjoyed in the knowledge that my worth comes from God. I can run after many things, but God is the only thing and person that will be enough. If I allow myself to be found, He will be there, running with me.
May we continue to run the race of life, “forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on towards the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus” (cf. Philippians 3:13-14).
In Jesus Master,
Rachel
PS — In true slam poetry fashion, I’ve included a reading of the poem along with the text. Snaps welcome!😉 /rw
I Run
I run.
Not in the athletic sense,
because I couldn’t be bothered to work up a sweat over
something so pointless.
To run in circles,
to feel gross afterwards and do it repeatedly—
it’s something that I’ve never been fond of.I run after the future.
I chase after horizons only to find that I will never catch them.
I run out of the rain to look for sunshine.
I stay on the look out for greener pastures.My life has been a consistent game of tag.
I’m always “it” in this game, chasing after seemingly elusive things—
wealth, love, belonging, self-worth.
I continue to run
and somehow all these things outrun me.There is a weariness in my bones
and my muscles feel like they will collapse
under the pressure of the constant movement.
I keep waiting for these things to slow down,
for them to at least give me a chance to reach out and touch them.
But they are just a tease
slowing down just enough for me to
swing out my arms before taking off in a whole other direction.I run out of time.
In a brief rest, I slow my pace down
to a full stop.
I had been running for so long,
I forgot what it felt like to slow down.A quick look in the mirror affirmed that I am doing the right thing.
But upon a longer gaze,
I could see the lines that didn’t exist before,
and now they’re running a marathon down my face.
The beating in my heart told me that something wasn’t right.
I spent so much time running that I forgot to enjoy the right now.The feeling of the earth beneath my feet,
the air mixing with my hair,
my eyes trained forwards—
what was it all for?My race to chase these elusive things—
who was it all for?I stand still.
And for a brief moment, I feel unsettled.
I spent a significant portion of my life running after
things and
people and
feelings.
I was never fast enough, never good enough,
I was never enough.But that moment disappeared into the mist.
I look around at the world as it stands
and nothing moves.
Everything is just perfectly still as I am still.And in that moment, God whispers—
“You’re going to be alright.”
PPS — I’ve got more poetry where this came from. Should I share more? Let me know!