He walks backwards and won't break your gaze

He won't take His eyes off of me—and you

Photo by Kelsey Farish on Unsplash

I find myself in a weird season of my life right now. It’s a season where things are actually… going well?

To be clear, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. There’s a lot of inner tension due to work, not feeling physically at my best, and still feeling down about how the economy has pushed my real estate dreams out of reach.

But in spite of everything that could be going wrong, it feels status quo—but it’s not overwhelming.

This so-called “weird season” of my life, as I’ve come to see it, has been a deeper level of inner peace and acceptance, something that only could have come from the Lord.

I call it weird because it’s a season that I’ve longed so many days and nights for. I’m a generally anxious person, and spent years with crippling anxiety. Turbulence and chaos were more my speed. I had no idea what, or who, peace was.

I had no idea, until peace captured my heart.

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Peace came quietly.

I found myself really listening, savouring, and feeling. I told a friend recently that for the first time, I could actually hear myself think. I still get stressed out about work and timelines that are way too aggressive for the resources at hand. But for the first time in my life, I’ve tried—with success—to leave work at work, to gripe a little less, and remember the truth that we’re all doing our best, and it’s because we care that we’re all a little on edge and anxious to succeed.

I still wonder about when I’ll finally have enough money to buy my first home or when I’ll be able to start a family. But lately I’ve found myself asking God a little less. It’s not because I don’t care about the outcome or the answer. If anything, I care a little too much about the answer—but I’m starting to trust the one who’s put these questions on my heart in the first place.

Again, peace came quietly. I can’t boast here and provide a 5-point plan that shows how that peace arrived. In fact, I don’t even deserve said peace. It really is a gift that the Lord has been teaching me in and through.

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This is the image that I see when I think about this quiet and sudden peace. I picture a parent helping their child take their first steps. For the first little bit, they walk close behind the child, with the child’s hands raised above their heads as the parent guides their steps. They’re trying to provide stability, balance, and safety.

But as the child starts to figure out how walking works, suddenly there is no safety net behind. The parent is in front of them, gesturing and encouraging them to take a first step on their own. They beckon, with a reassuring smile and call.

It’s there that, after a few false starts and perhaps a few falls, a child starts to walk.

I remember being at a park and witnessing such a scene. I watched as a father walked backwards so that he could watch his daughter make these awkward steps towards him. His arms were outstretched, with enough distance to make it a challenge while also being close enough to provide a sense of security.

I’ve been seeing God like this recently. He’s no longer holding my arms up, letting me walk on His feet or walking behind me. He’s leading me, but He won’t take His eyes off of me, not even for a second.

It’s unnerving, to be watched by God in this way. But He’s not watching in a surveillance kind of way, like the Wizard of Oz or Big Brother. He’s watching to encourage. He’s watching to prove His closeness. He’s watching because He loves the one who is in front of Him, so much that He wouldn’t dream of turning His back on them.

Friend, this is you and me.

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A few years ago, as I was discerning religious life, I was on retreat when I had another one of these ‘face to face’ moments with Jesus. I remember looking at the crucifix and asking Jesus how much He loved me.

It was kind of like asking a small child to quantify this love. They stretch out their arms, as far apart as their arm span will allow, to show that they love you this much. This much usually is a pretty big amount for a small child.

But for Jesus, that same, innocent gesture is literally how He showed His love for us. It’s a total, free, faithful and fruitful love, holding nothing back and bestowing literally everything.

When I first started meditating on this image of God walking backwards and watching me as I walked towards Him, I felt a similar kind of warmth and peace. His arms are outstretched, open and welcoming, as if calling me closer.

He walks backwards because He never wants to break my gaze. But simultaneously, He leads. And though I may wonder if He actually knows where He’s going—He is going backwards, after all—there is a deep amount of trust knowing that He really does know the way.

I found the inner hurricane of questions around when and how start to simmer down the moment I met His gaze. The same Jesus who told me that He loved me this much is the same God who quiets my mind, delivers me into peace, and walks backward so that He never misses a step of mine.

May the God who loves us so tenderly and attentively meet you today in your steps. May you look up and see the depth of His eyes, the patience of His voice, the strength of His steps.

I pray that this peace, which can only come quietly, meet you today and always.